How to Know If You’re Over-Functioning — and Why Therapy Can Help
Introduction
Many may see you as the high-achieving, dependable, and “have it together one. However, sometimes you feel like a 24-hour convenience store. If someone is in need, you are open for business. There is a common theme, that is, “The more you do, the less they do. The less they do, the more you do.” It’s a dance that feels like it won’t stop.
There is a part of you that wants to set that boundary, but your latter self is resistant. Saying no feels foreign to you, and if you say no, you may not trust that someone will do it correctly. It feels easier to do it yourself. There may also be an insecure part of you that fears rejection. So, you keep saying yes to another thing, even though you clearly did not have time for it.
You continue to be the “go to” person for “everything,” from taking on too many responsibilities, problems, and emotions to de-escalating and managing crises. So, you can’t relax. You choose not to relax. As a result, at times it feels like you are running on empty.
If you identify with this, you may be over-functioning. As a licensed psychologist, I often hear these themes from new clients. In this post, we will explore what over-functioning is, some common root causes, how it impacts your mental health and those around you, and discuss strategies to step away from this exhausting pattern and feel like your energized self again.
What is Over-Functioning and Why Do I Keep Engaging in this Depleting Pattern?
Over-functioning is a behavioral pattern in which someone habitually takes on more tasks and responsibilities than necessary. At first, it may not seem like a big deal; however, over time, it can be detrimental to one’s mental health.
Some behavioral signs that you may be over-functioning include:
Taking on others' responsibilities in all areas of your life (i.e., work, home, relationships)
Striving for perfection in everything you do
Always Being the Problem Solver—regardless of whether you asked or not
Resenting others for not doing enough, while simultaneously not letting them. You make others' burdens your own.
Difficulty trusting that others will get things done correctly— It’s easier if you do it, because you will do it right mentality.
Ignoring your own needs and hyperfocusing on others' needs
Being the glue that holds things together
You can’t relax because that feels like wasted time. “There is always something to do.”
These traits may sound like heroism and are admirable to others at first, but they come at a cost and often mask deeper issues. If you do these things, you may feel others may not discover you, you may fear rejection, be insecure about yourself, have low self-worth, or struggle with anxiety. These behavioral patterns may provide some relief in the short term, but in the long term, they can lead you to feel burned out, exhausted, and fuel feelings of low self-worth and anxiety. It can also cause relationship imbalance and depression.
In addition to this, being the “hero” for everyone may sound great and may feel great; however, it may also unintentionally lead you to take on the role of the “villain.” In other words, over-functioning can take away another person’s opportunity to grow, as you may have stripped them of the chance to problem-solve or navigate the issue themselves. Being a villain is quite the opposite of the Over-Functioner’s agenda.
Origins of Over-Functioning Behavioral Patterns
Over-functioning may be rooted in early childhood experiences in which certain needs are not met, leading to survival responses. Some origins of Over-Functioning can be attributed to experiencing emotional neglect as a child, being parentified (i.e., taking on too many parental responsibilities at a young age, being forced to grow up too soon, living in an unstable or chaotic environment, and love and affection being based on your performance/achievements).
These early childhood experiences make you hyper-vigilant and hyper-aware of your surroundings; that is, if you are in control and constantly on guard, it is easier to protect yourself from any harm. Often, these Overfunctioning behaviors carry into adulthood, where you continue to prioritize others' needs over your own and have blurred boundaries.
Intergenerationally, within family systems, Over-Functioning can sometimes be a learned behavior. For example, seeing a caregiver take care of the family, and then taking on that role as an adult. Gender role socialization can also be a factor, where females are often taught to self-sacrifice, catering to the needs of others before their own. Your sense of worth may be conditioned to be associated with being the “good one,” which can mask internal insecurities.
Lastly, Over-Functioning can mitigate anxiety symptoms in the short term, which can also make it likely to re-engage in the behavioral pattern. It feels like the anxiety has resolved; however, it turns out to be a false sense of security.
Identifying and recognizing these behaviors is an important first step in the healing process.
How Do I Stop Over-Functioning
Catch yourself and be in tune with when you are Over-Functioning. Awareness is the first step toward addressing it. Notice thoughts and feelings that may be contributing to the urge to engage in the behavior in the moment.
-You can’t work on the issue if you aren’t aware of your triggers.
If you can’t control it, “Let it go.”
-Don’t focus on other people’s opinions too much and let that control and define who you are; focus on your own integrity and well-being. If you try to focus too much on their opinions and place your self-worth in it, you will find yourself in this constant state of anxiety. Control is an illusion; choose peace instead.
Reflect on the task before agreeing to do it. Can someone else actually do this? If so, delegate it.
-You are asking for a recipe for burnout if you take on too many tasks and say yes to everything. It is time to choose capacity over excessive control.
Identify your own boundaries and limits. What are your needs?
-If you feel a sigh coming on or start feeling a pinch of annoyance, it may be a red flag that you have reached your limit.How much sleep do you need versus how much do you get? Are you taking care of your own personal hygiene? Are you paying attention to your nutritional and energy level needs? Are you keeping too many cognitive tabs on others' needs rather than your own?
Increase Your Self-Worth.
-This involves finding value in yourself. Addressing your self-worth struggles can help you improve your mental health, self-confidence, resilience, decision-making, self-criticism, and form healthier relationships with others. You are not responsible for other people’s choices; however, you are responsible for your own choices. You are a human being who deserves to be respected, not just someone who “does things.”
If you find yourself checking in with someone repeatedly throughout the day, reframe or try trusting that not hearing back may be good news.
-Reclaim your mental energy and time. Worrying does not change the news; it just takes time away from you enjoying your day.
My Perspective on How Therapy Can Help
Therapy is a safe place that can be transformative for the Over-Functioner. It is a place where, for once, there is no expectation to “fix” anything and instead to “just be.” Therapy can help an individual learn to challenge their thought patterns and help them identify that their value is not all in output (i.e., “what I did") but rather in the “who I am.” Therapy can help you increase awareness of these behavioral patterns and be more of your authentic self, so you “Don’t build a life that feels good, but looks empty.” At the end of the day, you are human, and you deserve to be present in your life. It may be time to recalibrate that achievement compass and deconstruct what it means to be productive.
What to Do Next
Taking the first step isn’t about adding another item to your task list; it’s about creating a buffer against burnout. It’s a start to setting a boundary between your work, others, and your self-worth. If you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and feel like your self-worth is tied to your results, let's talk.
I’d be happy to connect and schedule a brief consultation call. You can view my full profile [here] and reach out if it feels like a good fit.
